loveitorlopit

So.  I have a big decision to make.  Do I just love my saggy skin, or lop it off?  I fluctuate on whole idea of plastic surgery.  Of course I would love to have a nice nip and tuck, but when you are left with excess skin from massive weightloss the surgery options are anything but a simple nip and tuck.

I went for a referral with an excellent plastic surgeon here in victoria who specialized in post weight loss patients.  Not alot of doctors apparently want to deal with us on the basis that the 'end' result isn't always the prettiest, and if we choose to go for what MSP pays for they don't get that much money for thier time and effort.

So here are my options.  A full body lift (to the tune of $17k) YIKES.  Not really an option financially for me right now unless I remortgage my house, and I don't think I want a new ass THAT much.  A fleur de lis tummy tuck where the make a vertical and horizontal cut and pull everything together and up, but just in the front.  The scarring is quite extensive and the cost of that would be about $8K.  Then there is a good old Panniculectomy where they just cut off the excess skin in the belly area and sew you up.  This one is paid for by MSP insurance, but it doesn't do anything for loose muscles or shaping.

I've thought about standing on a street corner and asking the first 17,000 people I see for a loonie donation, but I'd have to give up my full-time job to do that, and pay for a baby-sitter....so a bit counter productive...LOL.  On top of that, there is the massive incision around the whole circumference of my body, the risks, the healing process, the pain, and time time I'd need to recover.  However, the end result would give me the figure I've been dreaming of my whole life.  The Fleur de lis, would help shape my torso a bit better, and pull a bit of my ass up, but the vertical incision meeting a horizontal incision never heals well being the furthest from a blood supply.  The Panni, would be the easiest to heal from and would flatten my stomach a bit....maybe get rid of that lovely 'slapping' sound when I run....(Really I do have to laugh at these things....LOL)...and i always have the option to do more at a later time.  Like when publishers clearing house dumps a cheque off on my doorstep one day.....

Ah, the delights of post-weight loss surgery.  And believe it or not, just having the option is delight enough.  There are days when my saggy ass, thighs, and belly skin drive me nuts, but I am definitely more happy and healthy at my current weight of 155lbs.  I was more comfortable in a bathing suit at 267lbs than I am now. But if this is the body I choose to have for the rest of my life, it will serve me well enough.  I will love it regardless of what I choose or choose not to lop off....

Hmmm.....did I say street corner????  Yikes.

thefirstsurgiversary

My god, it's been October since I've posted anything.  Hard to believe that time flies by so quickly and ya get busy with life, and four months has gone by.....

I thought I'd post a little one year surgiversary update, for any of you folks who have been checking in from time to time and might be curious.

I'm below my original goal weight of 160.  Last time I stepped on the scales I was 151.  I feel great! 

However there have been struggles.  Maintaining is a daily challenge, and I'm still chasing the num num dragon.  Everyday I have to be aware of what I choose to eat and how that will affect me.  This surgery wasn't a miracle cure from hunger and food issues.  I still get hungry every 2 hours.  I have ALOT of excess skin (oh great!), and I'll probably never be able to afford the plastic surgery I'll need to have to remove it.  It ain't going away without a knife...no matter how much I lose.  Then again...it is sometimes fun to play with in the bath.... (now I'm just kidding...stop being grossed out!)

That being said, I do feel more powerful than the food that consumed me.  I'm sure it could still eat me up if I let it, so remembering everyday that I've been given a real gift by having this surgery is important for me to keep in mind.  I have muscles that I can see, and the yoga and pilates I've been doing have really strengthened my core.  Funny enough, I don't float as well in the water, so I have to put alot more effort into swimming.  The chronic pain in my back is also GONE.  It's gone. I know my poor old spine is still fused in spots, and the squish is gone out of a few disks, but the daily pain in my ass is GONE! 

It's so exciting to move through life in a less cumbersome package, and it feels so amazing to be able try new things! Best of all, I'm starting to recognize the girl in the mirror as me.

thegoal

Goal weight reached..probably yesterday, and I missed it.  I actually am 1 lbs less than my goal weight.  So I'm setting a new one.  150lbs.  That will take my BMI below that magical number of 25.  I don't want to be unrealistic about how much more I should or should not lose, I think my body will know. Maybe I'll get there, and maybe I will stall at 155...who knows?  I'm delighted with where I am right now....today!  If I can maintain my new size 8 ass it will be like xmas everyday.

running

So.....I started running.  And you know what?  I'm really liking it. 

I have childhood memories of running.  They were torturous!  Remember the 'lap-a-thons' at school, and the dreaded 'Participaction Fitness Challenge'?  I sucked at them.  I usually got 5 laps in to the lap-a-thon and took a stitch in my side enough to split me in two, and sat the rest out on the school gym bench.  Although, with that track record (no pun intended), I never had a problem getting sponsors. I also never raised much money for whatever cause we were supposed to be running for either...LOL

So, while on vacation I decided to visit our hotel's gym.  No one there except me, so I jumped on the treadmill and started running...just to see how far I could go.  And I got to 1 and had enough.  Then I thought, hey I'm in the states, this thing is rigged in miles not kilometers.  I just ran 1.6 km without stopping!  Cool!

I did it for the next 2 days of my vacation, and now that I'm home I'm setting a goal for myself to run the 8k road race in the Victoria Marathon on 10-10-10.  Who knows if  I'll have the endurance to go the whole distance running, but I'm going to do my best.  I'm up to 3.5 km so far.  I'll keep ya posted on my progress.

dadadadaaaaa

CENTURY CLUB REACHED TODAY!  YAY  ME!

9togoal

Just a little update on my progress.  Only 9 lbs left to get to my goal of 160.  The first picture was taken just after my surgery (Feb 2010) and the other was (Aug 2010)

thingsthatmakemefeelskookum

Jese I feel freakin good.  Life is completely different.  I took the kiddies to Cultus Lake Water Park this past week, and revelled in the freedom that losing almost 100lbs has given me.  Not only was it awesome to climb up 10 flights of stairs without breaking a sweat, but to do it while carrying a two year old and a double inner tube is pretty skookum! 

Other things that make life more "skookum"

 - fitting my ass into a size 10 jeans
 - not having the seatbelt in my truck choke the living daylights out of me
 - wearing anything with a size small on the tag
 - touching my chin to my knees without needing surgery to replace broken body parts
 - running without giving myself a concussion
 - fitting my ass into a size 10 jeans
 - finding my hip bones
 - needing my rings resized
 - trading in my double chin for a turkey neck
 - doing a kart wheel on the front lawn with MacKenna
 - fitting my ass into a size 10 jeans
 - riding my bike without impaling my ass on the seat
 - sleeping double in a single bed
 - and fitting my ass into a size 10 jeans

Only 11 lbs to goal, and 4 lbs until I join the century club.

thechippybattle

It's been a while.  School is out and the kids and I have been busy enjoying our time off together. I have been up and down the island camping, and eating on schedule and eating right has proven to be a challenge.  The kiddies are entitled to their treats, and when the chippies are out I have to admit there is an inner battle and mindless lack of self control that I have to deal with.  I'm still loosing weight, but more slowly now.  I've caught myself sneaking a couple of chips when filling a bowl for the kids, and literally slapped my own hand for doing so.

How easy it is to make the wrong choices.  I know I'll be battling with that for the rest of my life.  But, thankfully there are some benifits to my sleeve.  Heartburn.  If I eat chips....I get heartburn...

Heartburn sucks.

Currently I'm only 19lbs from my goal of 160lbs.  I'm delighted with how this has all gone.  My body has changed drastically, however I don't feel a whole lot thinner, I seem to feel shorter (what's with that?) All said, I feel great physically.  What I wanted most from this surgery was to be able to move through life much easier, play with my kids with more energy, and live longer. 

Feels good

imatryptofan

http://ezinearticles.com/?Sadness,-Depression-After-Weight-Loss-Surgery---The-Serotonin-Connection&id=4375134

I found this great article by Kaye Bailey, an internationally recognized writer and speaker on weight loss surgery.  Here she talks about the post surgery weight loss and it's effect on mood.

My mood since the surgery had been on the saner side of crazy (if that makes any sence?).  Many of the post bariatric surgery patients I meet or chat with will also probably agree with me.  Bailey talks about the correlation between mood and carbohydrate intake which makes total sense, but I wonder about the what effect the rapid breakdown of all those fat-cells has on hormones.  Estrogen is stored in fat cells.  What happens when all that estrogen comes flooding into your system after the rapid weight loss begins.

There isn't too much info on the net about it, but you can find some.  Where you do find alot of talk about mood after surgery is on the many forums that are dedicated to WLS.  Pretty much post WLS  mood issues are par for the course.  GREAT!

Now on the brighter side of things......I'm only 27lbs from my goal!

mountainschairsandfingers

Mill Hill has been my Nemesis since I first moved here.  It's only a 1.6 km hike, but it's elevation is 206 m.  So for you math buffs out there who want to figure out the slope....I'll make it easy for you...IT'S STRAIGHT FRIGGIN' UP!   (In my mind)

When I started out climbing this sucker a couple of years ago,  I couldn't make it up even 1/2 way.  I figured I'd stop when I couldn't breath, and that didn't take long.  The next time I tried it I got a little further, but it wasn't without rest breaks to let my heart rate come down (and to keep from passing out).  Then on my third attempt (a few weeks later) I made it to the top.  The 20 minute hike took me twice as long, and another 1/2 hour at the summit to get my legs to stop wobbling.  But, things were improving.  A month or so ago, my daughter and I hiked up.  It took us 1/2 hour, and about 2 or 3 stops for a minute or so for me to catch my breath.

Yesterday, I got to the summit in 20 minutes (the average for most people) without stopping once.  I kept wondering when I'd run out of steam, but I didn't.  I can't begin to tell you how good that feels.  I also can't imagine even being physically able to carry a 72 lb backpack up with me either. 

Simple little things in life that most people take for granted, are all barriers when you carry lots of extra weight.  Airplane seats, crossing your legs, the turn stalls at Canadian Tire, the flight of stairs at the doctors office.  The worst for me was stairs.  I could always manage to get up them if I had to, but I hated the huffing and puffing by the time I got to the top, and the 10 minutes I needed to regain a normal heart.  Not only was it a reminder to myself that I was really out of shape, it was a visible sign to others that I was right.

Another thing I used to hate was chairs.  I was always eyeballing them to see if my @ss would fit before I took the plunge.  I remember having to see a ENT specialist and the chair in his office was like a vice grip on my hips.  Getting in wasn't too bad, but I remember thinking getting out of it would probably be just as hard as sucking a lime out of an empty Corona bottle.

So, to all the mountains and chairs in the world....I now give you the finger!

tootinmyownhorn

hereatlast

After circling the hole like a vulture (or perhaps an eagle on my better days), THIS Alice has finally slipped through the hole and is happy to finally be in ONEDERLAND! 

I'M SO FREAKIN HAPPY!

I havn't been in ONEDERLAND in my whole adult life.  I'm trying to think back to when I crossed over to TWODERVILLE.  Probably about grade 7 or 8.  I know I was into a size 16 in grade 7.  And that's where I am now.

I have been hovering around

outloud

"OUT". Ask any gay person and they'll tell you all about that word. Those three little letters sure pack a punch, and the experience of "out" is also as diverse as the folks for which the term was coined.


For those of you who don't know, I'm as queer as a 3 dollar bill. I never made a big deal about coming out. There was no closet busting into splinters, just a few years of skirting the issue with myself and others till it was pretty much obvious. When my partner and I decided to have children, I was dreading telling my Father. Although we lived 8,000 miles apart, I still feared his disapproval and the inevitable inquisition that would follow.

When that day finally came (3 months into my 1st pregnancy), I could conceal it no longer and made that dreaded phone call. The conversation went something like this before it abruptly changed to chat about the weather.

"Well, Dad, I have some news...er...ah....Looks like you're going to be a Grandfather!"

"WHAT?" he said. "But I thought you didn't like boys!"

And I was OUT. So much for keeping it low key.

Why do I bring this us you ask? Well, I seem to be repeating a pattern in my life. Skirting the issue. I'm really good at that. I've learned how to avoid situations and issues that might make me uncomfortable by using the skills I've developed from a lifetime of hiding behind my weight. The 'peelingoffofme" was my incognito way of exposing myself to myself and to the world on my terms. At first I wanted to do this blog anonymously. I could say what I wanted without owning it, and then I decided to participate in that series on obesity that was published in every newspaper from Montreal to Victoria. I could not stay in the closet about my WLS any longer. That closet was busted into splinters!

Making the decision to have this surgery didn't come by easily. I knew about the option, but never thought I'd qualify until I topped the scales at 310 lbs after my first baby. So I asked for a referral to a bariatric surgeon from my family doctor. That took 2 years. In the mean time I discovered ATKINS, and low-carbed myself down 90lbs. Needless to say that by the time I got in to see Dr. Amson I had gained half of that back. (another pattern in my life). Then....the wait. Another three years on a surgery waitlist (thanks to the BC healthcare budget cuts for bariatric surgery).

I had a lot of time to think during that 5 year period. And I did it in secret.

Very few of my peeps knew about my decision. It had been a very personal one to make, and I still hadn't figured it all out in my head yet. I didn't want the issue out there for debate amongst my friends, and WLS being the big controversial issue it is in this society, I didn't want to end up smack dab in the middle of it having to justify my choices, and listen to everyone’s opinion about what I should or should not do about my weight issue. So, me and my little secret remained secret until my surgery day began to approach. I had to let my employer know I would be taking a couple of months off, and thankfully they didn’t ask questions. The person taking over for me did, but I just said I didn’t want to talk about it.

I was nervous. Shit-baked actually. The closer the surgery day got, the more I kept turning it over in my mind. Were the risks worth the payoff? What if I died? Was it worth losing my life?

Some people think that WLS is the ‘easy way’ out. That it’s weight-loss by cheating. Oh, there are any number of brilliant opinionated neo-health guru’s out there with something to say about overweight and obesity. Believe me. Some of them are health-care professionals. Some of them are our family physicians, our physio-therapists, our public-health nurses, our co-workers, our family, and our closest friends. Oh the “fat” prejudice in our society is ridiculous!

Food is a powerful drug. If you don’t agree with what I’m saying, you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but you’ve obviously never suffered from an addiction. You are also uninformed. Most of us obese people don’t like the fact that we’re obese, just like most of you smokers out there wish you could quit for good. Luckily, some people can conquer their addictions. I managed to quit smoking after making love to every cigarette I ever smoked for almost 20 years. I had quit many times throughout that 20 years (one time for three years) but something in me wouldn’t let go of the nicotine. Determination and willpower are superpowers that have only been fleetingly harnessed in my life. I needed help to quit smoking, just like I needed help to lose weight. I had my nicotine patch, my Zyban, and my herbal cigarettes that I got at the healthfood store. They looked like smokes, but smelled like incense.....can I say YUCK?! But it gave me something to do with my hands. It worked for me. I did it!

So, if I was able to quit smoking why couldn’t I quit eating more than I needed? I don’t frigging know! Maybe because I was able to omit cigarettes from my life completely; however I still had to eat. If I had all the answers I would be god. I’m not. To tell you the truth, no one has the answers yet. Not the weight loss specialists, not the doctors, not the nutritionists, not the scientists, and certainly not society in general.

For the uninformed, WLS is a TOOL not a cure. It’s not the easy way out. It is not for everyone. It is risky, but it is less risky than being obese. It is less costly than being obese. It saves lives.  I chose to have WLS because it was a good option for me. I choose to talk about it out loud because it keeps me from skirting, and keeps it real. Thanks for joining me on my journey.

foreigner

Funny how things have a way of coming full circle.   I'm no longer lying about the weight that was documented on my drivers licence at the age of 17!  Very exciting, but also a little unnerving. 

I do feel completely exposed and awkward with my rapidly changing body.  It's a little like walking around with your skirt tucked into your pantyhose and KNOWING it.  People notice.  It's not like I don't appreciate the compliments.  For gawd sakes, I would have never let my picture be plastered in almost every major paper in the country if I didn't want people to notice.  However, my body feels foreign to me.  My legs cross with ease, my knees knock together when I walk, I can run without giving myself a concussion.  Do I like these things?  YAH HAH!  It's just a completely WEIRD.


This is the lightest I have been in all my adult life.  This is not a place I'm returning to, it's a place I've never been. (insert JAWS attack music here and await the scream)!

29minutesoff

MY LAST YEAR TIME 2:26:39 . . . . THIS YEAR 1:57:54

Boy, are my legs muscles sore today.  I'm walking like I just got off a horse.  I was going to start my "free" week of bootcamp bright and early this morning, but I wasn't able to get the "crane" service out to the house to haul me out of bed at 5:30 am.

TC10K4thfromlastin14000

To be fair, I did get stuck in a bathroom lineup that took 1/2 hour at the halfway mark.  This year, I'm wearing depends, and packing myself in behind the fast crowd in hopes of being caught in the drag wind.

Ah...it should be fun.  Thank god it's gonna be sunny.  WLS Biggest Loser's group is having their picture done again this year.  It is going to be freezing though at 7:30am.

morbidnolonger

I just did my BMI (which when I started this journey was 44!).  This is the MORBID OBESITY range.  Well...my BMI at halfway is now 34 (Class 1 obesity).  5 more points and I'll just be overweight!

nothingfitsinagoodweigh

Well.  All those clothes that I was saving for when I lost weight, don't fit anymore.  What does fit, I've been told, is not cool, and I shouldn't be seen in public with it on.  Like my green and beige camoflauge capris, with a solid green matching shirt.  Come on!  The shirt still had the tag on it.  I also bought the camo pants because they were on 'sale', and I had that ever pervasive thought in my head that "someday they'll fit!"

Eating healthy, and getting all the protein requirements in is a bit of a challenge right now.  I've realized that somedays I only get about 30-40 grams of protein in.  I need more like 60-70.  I'm still only getting about 400-600 calories a day, and making those calories count is difficult.  I'm treating junk fook like cigarettes, and happily I can say I havn't  been going there.  What I'm having difficulty with is remembering to eat!  I don't feel hungry, and I love it.  If there were only a pill you could take to make that hunger go away, that would be scookum!  Instead I had my stomach reduced to the size of a mans thumb to quiet my demon. 

I want to buy some new clothes!

bcaba

I attended the first BCABA (BC Association of Bariatric Advocates) Conference here in Victoria this past weekend.  I must say, I was very impressed.  The quality of the speakers, and the information shared was good for both pre-op and post-op (both honeymooners like me, and long term post-op's). 

My favorite speaker, and one that struck a chord with me personally was Dr. Gabor Mate.  He spoke about addiction, not just in the same old way we've heard it all talked about many times, but in terms of brain chemistry.  The drugs of choice for any addict meet powerful needs.  Junk food, I learned, and the act of eating itself released the same chemicals in the brain as opiates do.

People who do not struggle with addiction, or who have never had an issue with obesity just do not get it.  In Dr. Mate's book, "In the Realm of Hungry Ghost's", he talks about the life and death of one of his patients on the downtown east side of Vancouver.  She was an addict who had multiple health problems which ultimately caused her death, but even in the face of all that, and her own knowledge about what her addiction was doing to her, she kept using.  Just like those of us who have an addiction to food, we keep eating. 

What I came away from that workshop with was a little more compassion.  More compassion for myself, and more compassion for others who make choices I just can't comprehend.  Poople are so very judgemental, expecially about obesity.  It's easy to turn a nose up at someone who is 300, 400, or 500 + lbs, look at them with disgust, and think all they need to do is keep their mouth shut, or to put down the fork.  No one really chooses to be obese, it's not a life-long ambition to have difficulty walking, breathing, to get diabetes, to have sleep apnea, to have high-blood pressure, arthritis, and a litany of other co-morbidities.  Society needs to look past what they think is an issue with will-power.  Most obese people have a lot of will-power in my opinion.  I've had a ton of will-power in my life.  The will to keep going in the face of adversity, and discrimination, and ignorance.  The will to lose weight (lot's of it) many times over.  It's the 'stay-power', the 'okay-power' I need help with now.  Weight loss surgery has given me a great "tool" to help me get to my goal, and I hope education and knowledge, self-understanding and self-compassion will help me stay there.

http://www.drgabormate.com/

dontyaknowbaby

I've just realized that I'm getting to that halfway mark.  At 213.5 lbs (just another 15 lbs), I'll be there!