After circling the hole like a vulture (or perhaps an eagle on my better days), THIS Alice has finally slipped through the hole and is happy to finally be in ONEDERLAND!
I'M SO FREAKIN HAPPY!
I havn't been in ONEDERLAND in my whole adult life. I'm trying to think back to when I crossed over to TWODERVILLE. Probably about grade 7 or 8. I know I was into a size 16 in grade 7. And that's where I am now.
I have been hovering around
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
outloud
"OUT". Ask any gay person and they'll tell you all about that word. Those three little letters sure pack a punch, and the experience of "out" is also as diverse as the folks for which the term was coined.
For those of you who don't know, I'm as queer as a 3 dollar bill. I never made a big deal about coming out. There was no closet busting into splinters, just a few years of skirting the issue with myself and others till it was pretty much obvious. When my partner and I decided to have children, I was dreading telling my Father. Although we lived 8,000 miles apart, I still feared his disapproval and the inevitable inquisition that would follow.
When that day finally came (3 months into my 1st pregnancy), I could conceal it no longer and made that dreaded phone call. The conversation went something like this before it abruptly changed to chat about the weather.
"Well, Dad, I have some news...er...ah....Looks like you're going to be a Grandfather!"
"WHAT?" he said. "But I thought you didn't like boys!"
And I was OUT. So much for keeping it low key.
Why do I bring this us you ask? Well, I seem to be repeating a pattern in my life. Skirting the issue. I'm really good at that. I've learned how to avoid situations and issues that might make me uncomfortable by using the skills I've developed from a lifetime of hiding behind my weight. The 'peelingoffofme" was my incognito way of exposing myself to myself and to the world on my terms. At first I wanted to do this blog anonymously. I could say what I wanted without owning it, and then I decided to participate in that series on obesity that was published in every newspaper from Montreal to Victoria. I could not stay in the closet about my WLS any longer. That closet was busted into splinters!
Making the decision to have this surgery didn't come by easily. I knew about the option, but never thought I'd qualify until I topped the scales at 310 lbs after my first baby. So I asked for a referral to a bariatric surgeon from my family doctor. That took 2 years. In the mean time I discovered ATKINS, and low-carbed myself down 90lbs. Needless to say that by the time I got in to see Dr. Amson I had gained half of that back. (another pattern in my life). Then....the wait. Another three years on a surgery waitlist (thanks to the BC healthcare budget cuts for bariatric surgery).
I had a lot of time to think during that 5 year period. And I did it in secret.
Very few of my peeps knew about my decision. It had been a very personal one to make, and I still hadn't figured it all out in my head yet. I didn't want the issue out there for debate amongst my friends, and WLS being the big controversial issue it is in this society, I didn't want to end up smack dab in the middle of it having to justify my choices, and listen to everyone’s opinion about what I should or should not do about my weight issue. So, me and my little secret remained secret until my surgery day began to approach. I had to let my employer know I would be taking a couple of months off, and thankfully they didn’t ask questions. The person taking over for me did, but I just said I didn’t want to talk about it.
I was nervous. Shit-baked actually. The closer the surgery day got, the more I kept turning it over in my mind. Were the risks worth the payoff? What if I died? Was it worth losing my life?
Some people think that WLS is the ‘easy way’ out. That it’s weight-loss by cheating. Oh, there are any number of brilliant opinionated neo-health guru’s out there with something to say about overweight and obesity. Believe me. Some of them are health-care professionals. Some of them are our family physicians, our physio-therapists, our public-health nurses, our co-workers, our family, and our closest friends. Oh the “fat” prejudice in our society is ridiculous!
Food is a powerful drug. If you don’t agree with what I’m saying, you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but you’ve obviously never suffered from an addiction. You are also uninformed. Most of us obese people don’t like the fact that we’re obese, just like most of you smokers out there wish you could quit for good. Luckily, some people can conquer their addictions. I managed to quit smoking after making love to every cigarette I ever smoked for almost 20 years. I had quit many times throughout that 20 years (one time for three years) but something in me wouldn’t let go of the nicotine. Determination and willpower are superpowers that have only been fleetingly harnessed in my life. I needed help to quit smoking, just like I needed help to lose weight. I had my nicotine patch, my Zyban, and my herbal cigarettes that I got at the healthfood store. They looked like smokes, but smelled like incense.....can I say YUCK?! But it gave me something to do with my hands. It worked for me. I did it!
So, if I was able to quit smoking why couldn’t I quit eating more than I needed? I don’t frigging know! Maybe because I was able to omit cigarettes from my life completely; however I still had to eat. If I had all the answers I would be god. I’m not. To tell you the truth, no one has the answers yet. Not the weight loss specialists, not the doctors, not the nutritionists, not the scientists, and certainly not society in general.
For the uninformed, WLS is a TOOL not a cure. It’s not the easy way out. It is not for everyone. It is risky, but it is less risky than being obese. It is less costly than being obese. It saves lives. I chose to have WLS because it was a good option for me. I choose to talk about it out loud because it keeps me from skirting, and keeps it real. Thanks for joining me on my journey.
For those of you who don't know, I'm as queer as a 3 dollar bill. I never made a big deal about coming out. There was no closet busting into splinters, just a few years of skirting the issue with myself and others till it was pretty much obvious. When my partner and I decided to have children, I was dreading telling my Father. Although we lived 8,000 miles apart, I still feared his disapproval and the inevitable inquisition that would follow.
When that day finally came (3 months into my 1st pregnancy), I could conceal it no longer and made that dreaded phone call. The conversation went something like this before it abruptly changed to chat about the weather.
"Well, Dad, I have some news...er...ah....Looks like you're going to be a Grandfather!"
"WHAT?" he said. "But I thought you didn't like boys!"
And I was OUT. So much for keeping it low key.
Why do I bring this us you ask? Well, I seem to be repeating a pattern in my life. Skirting the issue. I'm really good at that. I've learned how to avoid situations and issues that might make me uncomfortable by using the skills I've developed from a lifetime of hiding behind my weight. The 'peelingoffofme" was my incognito way of exposing myself to myself and to the world on my terms. At first I wanted to do this blog anonymously. I could say what I wanted without owning it, and then I decided to participate in that series on obesity that was published in every newspaper from Montreal to Victoria. I could not stay in the closet about my WLS any longer. That closet was busted into splinters!
Making the decision to have this surgery didn't come by easily. I knew about the option, but never thought I'd qualify until I topped the scales at 310 lbs after my first baby. So I asked for a referral to a bariatric surgeon from my family doctor. That took 2 years. In the mean time I discovered ATKINS, and low-carbed myself down 90lbs. Needless to say that by the time I got in to see Dr. Amson I had gained half of that back. (another pattern in my life). Then....the wait. Another three years on a surgery waitlist (thanks to the BC healthcare budget cuts for bariatric surgery).
I had a lot of time to think during that 5 year period. And I did it in secret.
Very few of my peeps knew about my decision. It had been a very personal one to make, and I still hadn't figured it all out in my head yet. I didn't want the issue out there for debate amongst my friends, and WLS being the big controversial issue it is in this society, I didn't want to end up smack dab in the middle of it having to justify my choices, and listen to everyone’s opinion about what I should or should not do about my weight issue. So, me and my little secret remained secret until my surgery day began to approach. I had to let my employer know I would be taking a couple of months off, and thankfully they didn’t ask questions. The person taking over for me did, but I just said I didn’t want to talk about it.
I was nervous. Shit-baked actually. The closer the surgery day got, the more I kept turning it over in my mind. Were the risks worth the payoff? What if I died? Was it worth losing my life?
Some people think that WLS is the ‘easy way’ out. That it’s weight-loss by cheating. Oh, there are any number of brilliant opinionated neo-health guru’s out there with something to say about overweight and obesity. Believe me. Some of them are health-care professionals. Some of them are our family physicians, our physio-therapists, our public-health nurses, our co-workers, our family, and our closest friends. Oh the “fat” prejudice in our society is ridiculous!
Food is a powerful drug. If you don’t agree with what I’m saying, you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but you’ve obviously never suffered from an addiction. You are also uninformed. Most of us obese people don’t like the fact that we’re obese, just like most of you smokers out there wish you could quit for good. Luckily, some people can conquer their addictions. I managed to quit smoking after making love to every cigarette I ever smoked for almost 20 years. I had quit many times throughout that 20 years (one time for three years) but something in me wouldn’t let go of the nicotine. Determination and willpower are superpowers that have only been fleetingly harnessed in my life. I needed help to quit smoking, just like I needed help to lose weight. I had my nicotine patch, my Zyban, and my herbal cigarettes that I got at the healthfood store. They looked like smokes, but smelled like incense.....can I say YUCK?! But it gave me something to do with my hands. It worked for me. I did it!
So, if I was able to quit smoking why couldn’t I quit eating more than I needed? I don’t frigging know! Maybe because I was able to omit cigarettes from my life completely; however I still had to eat. If I had all the answers I would be god. I’m not. To tell you the truth, no one has the answers yet. Not the weight loss specialists, not the doctors, not the nutritionists, not the scientists, and certainly not society in general.
For the uninformed, WLS is a TOOL not a cure. It’s not the easy way out. It is not for everyone. It is risky, but it is less risky than being obese. It is less costly than being obese. It saves lives. I chose to have WLS because it was a good option for me. I choose to talk about it out loud because it keeps me from skirting, and keeps it real. Thanks for joining me on my journey.
Monday, May 3, 2010
foreigner
Funny how things have a way of coming full circle. I'm no longer lying about the weight that was documented on my drivers licence at the age of 17! Very exciting, but also a little unnerving.
I do feel completely exposed and awkward with my rapidly changing body. It's a little like walking around with your skirt tucked into your pantyhose and KNOWING it. People notice. It's not like I don't appreciate the compliments. For gawd sakes, I would have never let my picture be plastered in almost every major paper in the country if I didn't want people to notice. However, my body feels foreign to me. My legs cross with ease, my knees knock together when I walk, I can run without giving myself a concussion. Do I like these things? YAH HAH! It's just a completely WEIRD.
This is the lightest I have been in all my adult life. This is not a place I'm returning to, it's a place I've never been. (insert JAWS attack music here and await the scream)!
I do feel completely exposed and awkward with my rapidly changing body. It's a little like walking around with your skirt tucked into your pantyhose and KNOWING it. People notice. It's not like I don't appreciate the compliments. For gawd sakes, I would have never let my picture be plastered in almost every major paper in the country if I didn't want people to notice. However, my body feels foreign to me. My legs cross with ease, my knees knock together when I walk, I can run without giving myself a concussion. Do I like these things? YAH HAH! It's just a completely WEIRD.
This is the lightest I have been in all my adult life. This is not a place I'm returning to, it's a place I've never been. (insert JAWS attack music here and await the scream)!
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