addiction

No doubt I am a food addict.  I didn't get to be obese eating to live.  I have always lived to eat.  Food has consumed my addictive nature just like cigarettes did.  Yes, I am an ex-smoker.  I sometimes can't believe I actually found the will to quit that habit.  I loved smoking.  I often tell people I loved it so much I make love to every cigarette I ever smoked. 

I started smoking when I was 13.  I stole some butts out of my Mothers ashtray one day, went for a walk, lit up, and tried my darndest to like the things.  I don't think it was peer pressure.  I was just curious.  I knew the hold the cigarettes had on my Mother, and I couldn't understand it.  Maybe I wanted to be cool in front of my friends.  Maybe I wanted to seem older.  I don't really remember the whole reason why.  But I do remember that I didn't put the things down for good for another 20 years.

I quit a couple of times along the way.  A few times for 3 months or less.  Once for a whole 3 years!  But I always went back to them.  Until one day I just got sick of them and decided to quit for good.  I was 33 years old. 

Alot of transition was going on in my life at that point.  I was feeling particularly miserable about everything I was doing, so I changed everything in my life.  I'm not sure where the willpower came to quit, but I did take all the help I could get.  I took Zyban, and the nicotene patch.  I also bought herbal cigarettes from the health food store just to give me the sense I was still physically smoking.  God those things were gross.  It was like smoking incense.  But it all did the trick.  I've been smoke free for nine years.

One thing I realized back then.  I was going to have to treat this like an addiction forever.  I know if I were to just have one puff of a cigarette I could be back smoking a pack and a half within a week.  I don't want that.  So I'm never going to take that first puff.  Yes, I've been tempted.  Sometimes I smell a cigarette burning and remember what it was like to take a big long drag--feel it rip down my throat and into my lungs.  Ahhh the memories.  Ninety-nine percent of the time though, I can't stand it.  I especially can't stand the stale smoke smell in vehicles or on peoples clothes. 

I realize that now I have a fantastic tool to help me conquer this food addiction, but it's not fool proof.  Anyone who has perused the WLS boards online knows what "eating around the surgery" is.  Believe it or not some people can eat a 200gram bag of chips with a stomach or "pouch" the size of  small plum.  It is possible to gain the weight back.  Just like smoking...I don't want to go there.  I am aware that there will be challenges along the way.  I don't have it all figured out, and I probably never will.  But this helps.  Talking about it.  Being out there with 'layers' I peel off.  Whatever is uncovered - - the good, the bad, and the ugly - - I can't stuff back down with food.  It will come back up.