demons

Eating was difficult for me today. I woke up hungry, and had a half an egg. I drank coffee while I was eating (which is a big no no) I couldn’t finish my egg.


Then I wasn’t hungry. Then I was hungry. I kept going back and forth to the fridge, the kitchen, looking in cupboards. I don’t know what the hell I was really looking for, but whatever it was I ate it for lunch. PJ had sautéed up some veggies in tomato sauce with ground bison. I took a couple of bites from the pan, then I made a slice of toast with PB and sat down to ”slowly” eat my little sandwich. Well, the not drinking while you’re eating rule is there for a friggin’ reason, hey. The 1 cup of skim milk that I had been nursing for the past ½ hour soaked into that toast like a sponge, and whatever room I thought was in my stomach had been pretty much filled by the veggies and bison I ate. It wasn’t pretty people.

I felt gross after that. REALLY gross! Food felt like it was way up in my throat (yes. this is the ugly part), and it is only starting to feel like it is passing through now and that’s 6 hours later. Gross nausea followed, proceeded by a lovely visit to the throne. All this after eating 2 tbsp’s of the sautéed veggie/bison thing, and 1/4 slice of whole wheat toast with about 5 mls of peanut butter on it.

My evening has been consumed by thoughts of food. The kids ate pizza, and the smell was like a drug for me. I hate admitting this, but I really wanted to eat it. Believe me folks, there was a lot of back and forth self talk going on here.

Before the surgery, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind. I would have just eaten it. But I knew I couldn’t eat it. I was still stuffed to the gills, and still feeling discomfort from eating what I did earlier. But it was a big mental battle to let it go. I kept thinking that I needed to get more water in, and to continue sipping.

The eating slow part is difficult for me. I really was a shoveller (sounds pretty I know). Many years ago a few friends and I would joke with each other about our food issues. “Stuff…stuff…stuff' we’d say when asked how one of us was doing. That, was code for "I’m dealing with my issues right now by eating a cheesecake with a 2 litre pepsi"…or what have you!

Today was a really difficult; uncomfortable day around food.